Not another mouse mat!

Let’s be perfectly honest here. This month I want to talk simply about largesse, palm greasing, freebies and other things that are likely to get a business development manager further than hearing my answering machine message telling ‘em to rack off.

“Hello , thank you for calling N.C. Bruining & Associates. Your call’s important to us. So important, we have a machine to tell you so. If you have money to invest or wish to pay our exorbitant fees. Press one now. If you’re a fund manager’s representative, press the big white button just underneath where the ear piece sits on the phone”.

You know me, always battling for the little guys.

As we rapidly approach the silly season, no doubt the fund manager types are thinking of what to buy the advisers for Christmas, what to put on their stand at the Brisbane FPA Convention and what other little marketing gimmicks they might employ over the next few months.

Now I’ve done extensive research on this. Not your phone call out of the blue from “Auswasters Research” asking if I have 10 minutes for an important survey on fund managers.

I can tell you it’s a clear 19 months since I gave up surveys. I am over the withdrawal symptoms of too many surveys in a week. No longer do I wake up at night thinking about my five choices of sleep ranging from deeply asleep, slightly asleep, asleep, partly awake and very awake.

The research has been conducted by careful observation.

Like: Who’s still got their 1994 Perth Convention T-Shirt. Bloody hell, the thing’s obviously made out of the same stuff that used to cover the space shuttle. Sure, it’s only dragged out to wash the car on Sunday morning or when you’re fishing — but seven years for a freebie has got to be good.

BT’s wine dictionary was pretty good in its day. The buggers might have got to see me if they had included a sample of every bottle listed. Still, these days it must be the only way they get to see five stars in print.

It's also funny how some of the gifts tend to reflect more than what’s intended. Like AMP who sent out the little card that when you opened it, it had a phone number printed and the little card rang like a phone. And rang and rang and no answeredÉ. hmmm, make your own call on that.

Hands up anyone who still wears their Macquarie socks? Some blokes I know set up additional proper authorities just so they could get extra pairs. If you placed more than a million, you got a full compliment of underwear.

What about Asgard’s binoculars from last year? Not bad, although I must admit, I thought the idea was to use the things backward when you looked at the management expense ratios (MER) in the hope they’d be smaller.

AXA had the coolest little charge up car last year where you stuck it on the whizbanger for a few seconds and it would run longer than the installation program for their financial plan illustration software. You let the thing go on a floor and it took off faster than a BDM when you ask for marketing support.

Brollys are also good. Things haven’t been the same since that bloody bank took over First State. They used to have good solid wooden jobbies and people would ask you what a First State Fun Manager was (we would rub out the d). Put a bank logo up these days and people are scared they’ll get a transaction fee if they say hello to you.

No more squeezy stress balls. What the hell do you do with them anyway? Sure, it might bring back a few memories for some of the older planners out there but not this little duck. You can do Marlon Brando impersonations I guess, or try to look like an Olympic Coxless four rowing team — but that’s about it.

No here you go fund managers. Real prezzies that will impress your planners.

Fake Rolex watches. Now the deal here is that the planner will think they’re special and when your mate points out that the gold is rubbing off on your skin, you can blame the fund manager anyway.

Put your illustration package on the back-end of the Flight Simulator 2000 CD. At least some of the disk will get loaded into the system.

There’s a few fun ideas to start with. Of course, most fund managers are keen to help you develop your practice and show up with an armload of books. Here’s a few practical bits and pieces to help you increase and retain funds.

Branded chainsaws. Of course you’d re-name them as Expectation Management Tools (EMT) but imagine the look of delight when a particularly irritating client comes into complain about the last quarter's performance and you whip out your Zurich 26” blade Stihl EMT and wave it around a bit gunning it now and again. Suddenly a four per cent decrease doesn’t seem that important does it?

Intellichairs. These are special chairs that clients sit in that have a small button connected under your desk. If they don’t seem to get the point and understand what you’re trying to say, you hit the button. A small charge of say five kilovolts passes through their bum (there’s no amperage so it doesn’t matter) and you’ll see them nod really quickly along with most other parts of their body. Of course if you’re dealing with the elderly, the Intellichair also doubles as a defribulator.

And finally a new idea I have dubbed ‘Webpet’. On the initial data collection, you find out about their favourite pet, little Fluffy the cat or Busto the dog. When things aren’t going that well and getting decidedly warm, you casually mention that you’re putting in the cray pots on the weekend. This will distract the client long enough to quickly load up Webpet with a picture of Busto frolicking in the garden. The trick here is to smile. A lot. And with your eyes real wide and if you snort a little bit, suddenly the FICS complaint is off the agenda.

No, forget the pens and mouse mats, this year’s presents are going to be good.