Does this policy cover my activities in Majorca?

Forget any of the troubles caused by HIH on the personal indemnity insurance game. HIH may have gone down, but Nick Bruining still has to fill out the paperwork for his PI insurer every year.

Leonie Henry, are we gonna have a party or what.

Leonie Henry, the only person who bothered to email[email protected]and sponsor FPA Chairman John Hewison and yours truly to lose weight. Not altogether sure how many beers you can buy with $2.12 but we'll see. By my calculation about one can of VB or Swan lager to share with Johno and Leonie.

Of course, if we decided to drink the recycled Adelaide sewerage treatment stuff called West End, we could probably shout the entire convention a beer, but then who would show up the next day?

Trust me South Aussies, God made "Black water" to put on your parks and Gardens, not to drink.

Though I must confess to a slight problem in the initial programme rules. In it, we said it would be an aggregate of the total amount of weight lost. The assumption being that both Johno and I would BOTH lose weight.

Well, one of us, and it aint me, has put on weight. The other has lost a lot. The net effect of this is that currently, Johnno and I owe Leonie $4.24. Not a good start to the competition. We're working on it.

Anyone had the joy of PI renewal lately? Gosh they're getting fun. I remember a time when all you got was the bill.

The questions seemed to have progressed from recent years beyond the normal, "are you in prison at the time of signing this application" to being far more sophisticated.

Yes, there's the normal: "What's your name? Where do you live? How long for? Does your mistress know this?", but there is also far more pervasive scrutiny.

The question I particularly liked on my renewal ran across two pages on my application.

"Please provide us with the size of your…..(Continued over)" Heh heh heh, things were looking up.

For the first time in my life I thought I was going to have get the additional sheet of paper to provide additional information. Perhaps they'll be after a diagram, better get the THICK Artline out.

"Securities register". Oh…

Now it seems to me that they should consult an expert in the field to ask the real questions that'll determine what sort of risk they're facing.

Someone like me.

Here's a few sample questions that SHOULD appear on PI renewal forms.

Can you read this question?

This might seem trivial, but for those who have ever been to a PD day or a fund manager session and the slide on the screen answers the question some dope in the front seems intent on asking, will know what I mean.

Do you have any stupid clients? If so, how many? Have they complained?

This too is important. If you answer no to the first part then you'll eventually end up with a yes to Part B and a number greater than one on Part A. Why? A mate of mine told me to always assume clients are stupid, that way you won't get into trouble.

Have you ever been visited by two people in a suit? Were they a fund manager BDM and his boss?

Actually, you can have a lot of fun with this. When your BDM says: "Hi, I'd like to introduce you to my manager Kevin", you look at the BDM and say: "who the hell are you, I've never seen you before". Better still: "How'd you go with that new job application?" This is a real ice-breaker and guaranteed to delight the BDM.

Anyway, if you answer no to part A, Part B is: Did they offer to show identification when they came in?

A yes answer is particularly troubling to an insurer unless both guys have the first name Elder.

Have you appeared on A Current Affair?

This is a good question, if you answer yes, you move onto part a.

a. Did you ask for the questions in writing beforehand? Was the camera mounted on a tripod?

If you answer no, there's a good chance you've had a bit of bother. There's nothing like the sight of an adviser belting down the street with his Armani suit jacket pulled up around his ears, heading for his new Beemer shouting: "Piss Off, piss off" with the camera jigging about after him.

Please provide a photocopy of your passport.

The PI insurers won't be interested in the ID part, they're interested in the visas in the back. Cayman Islands, Bogata Colombia and Majorca Spain. They'll be also interested to see whether or not they've been endorsed tourist or permanent resident.

Do any of your clients have close relatives who are specialist litigation barristers?

Nothing worse than a bad case of "Pro Bono" from a brother with too much time on his hands for my way of thinking. In fact, it should be part of the data collection process for clients as well. You could rate the potential hazard of a client based on what their relatives do. Imagine a client who has one brother who's a lawyer, another who's a Harley Davidson dealer and a sister who's a reporter for Four Corners. Stuff that nightmares are made of really.

How many times in the past two years has your name and the word defendant appeared in the same sentence and do you have a favourite parking spot down near the Supreme Court?

Me, I've never had to worry about parking, I always get driven in a little bongo van with mesh on the windows.