Is fund manager a four letter word?

Every once in a while I get accosted at a fund manager do. Some of you may be thinking it’s by some well meaning advocate of Alcoholics Anonymous — and about time too. Others may be thinking it’s by a BDM that’s new to the business and hasn’t yet met this particular nutter whose only interest is in free brollys and gifts.

Not so. I’m talking about the newbies to this business who seek the enlightened insights of one who knows. One who knows the truth and is prepared to speak out. One who is not afraid to explain just how dealers rip them off and what they can do to protect their backsides. One who is not afraid to tell them what’s wrong with the profession and how to improve the system.

After I’ve told them to rack off, they come to the awful realisation that I’m not Tom Collins. I explain that I’m the guy in the photo with a glass on the beach, not the bloke with a touched up photo that looks like ‘Spanno the Hypnotist’.

Feeling a little guilty, I’ve decided that this month’s column will be dedicated to those just starting out in the business. Here folks are some important definitions that you should carry with you like one of those little books of useful numbers that every fund manger now puts out. The microfiche reader that goes with them is an optional extra.

So let’s start at the top with the termFund Manager. This is an organisation that takes your client’s money, pays you some of it, pays your client some and keeps the rest. The proportions are irrelevant and if people complain about the proportions, the fund manager will write to the aggrieved person and send pictures of happy people suggesting that they should be like the folks in the photo.

Superannuation. Similar to the above except the Government gets some too.

Compliance Manager. A person who is supposed to know and thinks they know but to those that know, they’re on the nose. They visit every once in a while to find out how bad you are, telling you that this should be a positive experience and that they are just here to help. After smiling a lot and telling you that everything is fine, you receive a letter from them (when they’re 2,000 kilometres away in another state) telling you that in spite of the smiles and hand-shakes, you and Skasey have a lot in common. Unless you rectify the 400 faults in the letter, you and Skasey will have a lot more in common — if you get the drift.

For newbies, here is a basic trick to keep them off your case. Don’t write any business.

Business Manager(as distinct from BDM, see below). Your personal coach and trainer who will talk about, explain how, set targets for, provide strategies for, establish a development plan for, but never, bring in new clients.

Business Development Manager(also known as Brochure Delivery Man). Terrific people you should always get to know. Full of useful tips and helpful advice, they also have a budget that they can spend on freebies for you such as brollys, bottles of red, trips to the movies, Christmas parties, breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Work the system right and you’ll never get wet, buy a meal or get bored again and if you do, you won’t remember because you’ll be drunk. Bear in mind that you only have six months to work this system because eventually, they’ll realise that you’re attending all the functions instead of seeing clients and steering business their way.

Australian Taxation OfficeGST Compliance Unit. Possibly the nicest bunch of people you’ll ever get to know. Helpful beyond belief. Hey, why not invite them around to your place for a quick GST check-up? Call 12 34 11 now. Tell them I sent you and what a good bloke I was.

Disclosure. The opposite to enclosure. Instead of shutting up, you open up. The best bet is to follow the lead of the Fund Managers (see above). With 50 pages in your plan, you should try to spread the costs across all 50 pages.

Share. A part of a company that goes down in value.

The other bloke’s share. A part of a company that goes up in value.

Cash. Follow the lead of some trades professions and always get paid in it. Never leave it in your wallet because your kids or other half will pinch it. Always make sure you only pay someone who has provided you with an Australian Business Number or else you are being naughty and the same good folk from the GST compliance unit, who I put you onto, will come knocking.

Property. What they take when you run out of the above.

IT Platform. A big black hole into which you tip your cash and something you wish you had a relative involved in. What use are relations that are lawyers, doctors and accountants? Give me mechanics, dentists and programmers any time.

Professional Indemnity (PI)cover. An optional way of spending your money. You can either pay thousands to a PI insurer or you can pay it directly to your client. In fact, you could short cut the entire system and simply stand on your nearest corner and throw $50 notes to everyone that passes by. This is much cheaper and more fun.

Centrelink. Get to know these folks. There’s a good chance that after you’ve collected the brollys, pinched the pens, drunk the booze, and had a compliance check, you’ve decided that re-training as an effluent receptacle cleaning technician is not a bad job after all.

Welcome to the financial planning profession.

Tom, Tom is that you? Yes, I am getting sleeeeepy!