Your handy Convention survival kit

Nick Bruining offers some invaluable advice for surviving this year’s FPA Convention in Melbourne.

Hello and welcome to Sunny Victoria. (This concludes the paid advertising section sponsored by the Victorian Government).

Well, we're here. From the disused diesel tanks of Cairns to the Tooronga Park Moreton Bay figs stuck in your shoes, the FPA convention roadshow just rolled into town.

Some of the regular Frontline readers may be new to the FPA national convention. This is a dangerous place for the unwary. So in order to protect a sagging readership, we've decided to produce a special survival guide to the FPA convention.

These are a mixture of rules and suggestions to make you stay just that little more enjoyable.

If you're visiting from ASIC, put away the little plastic name tag with "Hi! I'm Tim from ASIC". No matter how friendly and nice you are, you'll be treated like a funeral director at the Queen Mum's 100th birthday.

If you're given a fund manager t-shirt, don't wear it. People will think you're a BDM and keep asking you for tickets to the Lygon Street gig on Friday Night.

If you are a pen collector, man, you are gonna have a ball. Green pens, clicky pens, straight pens and non-working pens. All are on parade and there to be grabbed.

Travel tip: put all the pens you collect in a separate bag. While the pens come from quality fund managers, the same can't be said of the pens they provide. The buggers leak. I once had a mate who packed all his pens with his clothes and arrived back at work looking like he'd been on some sort of hippy revival. Tie dyed suits - not a good look.

Make sure your dealer sees you mixing with and having a serious discussion with a major competitor - certainly keeps 'em on their toes!

If you're with a mate, buy two walkie-talkies so you can keep in contact at the social gatherings. Granted, this will make you look like a dick, but at least you'll be able to track down your buddy amongst the crowd of 3,000.

If you go with the walkie-talkie idea, keep the volume down or get an ear-piece. It's kind of disconcerting when in the middle of a plenary session you hear "Trevor calling Roger, Trevor calling Roger- where are you" ?

Everyone's name is "Maaaate". This is because no one remembers anyone's name from one year to the next and you need to be able to call people something.

Ensure you bow or genuflect if you meet Dame Gwen Fletcher CFP. If you are lucky, she will give you a royal wave and ask "how are we going, Maaate"? (See point above) Dame Gwen is easy to spot. She has class.

Don't bring a camera. Photographic evidence is frowned upon.

Practice replies to standard questions before you go. Some common ones are:

Q. "Hi maaate, how's things?"

"Dohh, busy as buggery maaate"

Q. " Have you though about using our funds?"

"Dohh, I would maaate, but you're not on our approved list. Still, if you give me some stuff, I'll see what I can do."

Don't make disparaging remarks about AFL football. The convention staff are all Victorians and they treat that kind of stuff seriously.

If you're holed up in an alley-way, about to be beaten up because you prefer rugby, mutter "Bring back Jeff" three times and tap your heels together. The thugs will instantly look wistfully to the ground and sigh "yeahhhh…….."

See if you can find the following. There's a prize of a book called "How to spot Legionalla", kindly provided by the aquarium people.

The person who never goes to any of the sessions despite paying for full registration.

The person who wins the trip the prize and donates it back.

The FPA chairman who keeps all his hair.

It's going to be tough and rough but trust us, you'll have a ball.