Welcome to the new Nick …

Frolicking about in the sun, wearing nothing but a pair of old King Gees and some half perished thongs, nothing drags your mind back to reality like your Christmas Credit Card account.

You know, the thing with the amount payable number which closely resembles the credit card number itself - just a decimal point or two in the way.

Welcome to a new year, dear readers, the year of the Snake we're told. Should make a few funds management executives happy. One eyed, trouser dwellers or otherwise, some in our community think there's only one thing to do when you see a snake. Kick it and kick it hard.

Not me, no way. I've learned my lesson. I only got one bottle of scotch last year and that was a miniature bottle of VAT 69.

Because we didn't throw out the BDM when she turned up (I was out at the time), they threw in a two litre bottle of no-name Cola and a happy birthday card with birthday scratched out and "Xmas" written in texta on the front.

I accidentally dropped the scotch bottle, it broke and left a 10cm hole in the concrete floor. Bloody good drop that.

No, this is a the new Nick, as seen by the picture. This is a fresh, new, happy-go-lucky, what-the-hell, I want some kick-backs, Nick. In line with my life change, I've made a number of new year's resolutions. Well there old year's resolutions now but who am I to stand in the way of progress. Here are a few.

No more calling BDMs rude names. Why ? It confuses the staff calling everyone a bastard and besides, some of them do know their fathers. Some of them are mothers and some of the ones that are actually fathers are mothers as well.

I will no longer abuse fund managers who shut at 3pm western standard time. No, it's only fair that I tell clients to rack off and yes, they should be prepared to get up at 5am to find out their account balances.

I will ask the fund managers to spend even more money on the major dealers and fly them off to exotic places to conferences, meetings and the like. I've worked out that the more of this they do, the less chance they have to keep an eye on things at home.

I will no longer sing the praises of Wessstern Australia ad nauseum and point out that yes indeed, we provide 26 per cent of Australia's export wealth from just 10 per cent of the population

Of course the entire world revolves around Sydney. They had the ringy thingy last year and they should continue to have the honour of being Australia's big ring. Did anyone see the celebration for the Sydnetenary of Federation? Gosh it was good.

I now love banks. I've said it once, I'll say it again - I wish I was a big banker. Some think I already am. No, 2001 means that I'll be writing to them asking if I can pay more fees to them. It's just great seeing how much of a deduction you can get for bank fees and charges on your BS statement, sorry BAS statement.

I am going on an exercise regime. I'm sick of charter vessels coming out to "observe" me when I go for a swim in the ocean and being asked to be the back up site sreen when the real one gets stuck down at the WACA.

It's now on the record and official. Financial Planning Association grand poohbah John Hewison and I have a bet on. Who can lose the most weight by the next FPA AGM. You can sponsor us.

Just send an email to[email protected]and let us know how much per kilo you'll pay us. We could say the money will go to a worthy charity but bugger it, we'll split the difference between ourselves and have a huge party at the convention for those that send us cash.

Johno has a distinct advantage, he gets his hair cut just before a weigh in and drops a kilo straight up. Johno has amazing hair and now rents himself out to handymen on the weekends. You may have seen him on Burke's Backyard, brushing down gutters with his head before painting them and removing the rust from wrought iron.

They are using my head as an internal mould for giant chocolate easter eggs.

With an intro like that we're gonna have to lose some serious weight here.

If anyone emails us with the old "lose five kilos of ugly fat and cut your head off", we'll be in touch. Money Management has operatives in most states and you wouldn't believe what we can do with a digitised image. Would your clients appreciate a photo of you sharing a beer with Skasey & Pixi, whilst admiring your Cocoa leave processing plant in your Colombian hideaway?

My last resolution is to get over my fear of flying.

Hopefully, Fatso's red Bummed Cousin's Airline will start up one of those fear of flying courses. The ones where they talk you though flying and then take you up for a test ride. I was going to do it with ChAnsett but you know how it is, somehow I've gone off them.

Last trip the captain came on just after take off and said "Ladies & Gentlemen, we're now climbing to 25,000 fee…. Oh Jeez, Oh No" - and the PA went dead.

Thirty seconds later he comes back on and says: "Sorry folks, the attendant just bought me a cup of coffee and spilt it on my lap. You should see the front of my trousers".

Bugger the front on his, you should have seen the back of mine.

Oldy but a goody, see you next time.