Welcome to the lemming's engaging reincarnation

In an obvious move to boost a desperately sagging circulation, “Stewy the Fridge” has decided to cast decency, good taste and sense to the four winds and ask the lemming (aka Nick Bruining) to make a regular contribution to the pages of Money Management.

In an obvious move to boost a desperately sagging circulation, “Stewy the Fridge” has decided to cast decency, good taste and sense to the four winds and ask the lemming (aka Nick Bruining) to make a regular contribution to the pages of Money Management.

The first thing you will notice on perusal of the new look lemming page is that I’ve decided to drop the MM abbreviation that others use. Firstly, if I don’t, it looks suspiciously like I’m endorsing one of those little talking lollies with legs sticking out the bottom.

Secondly, my word processor automatically inserts Mere Male when it sees MM which just goes to prove that Microsoft’s dictionary was developed by women.

Thirdly and most importantly, MM only counts as one word on the word count and I get paid less. Over the coming months we’ll try to answer some of the questions which plague most players in this industry. We’ll remove the gloves and ask the tough questions the industry doesn’t want to here, but has to know.

For example, how come the dickhead who’s been here two weeks lands the walk in with 2.5 million? And how have certain funds management executives survived the passing of the Jurassic period?

Why do the advisers who appear in the glossies put out by fund managers seem to be wearing ties more expensive than your best suit? Why don’t BDMs ever get long service leave? Is a paraplanner eligible for a disability support pension ? Will those elected in the current FPA elections be able to jump the phone queue when they ring? Stirring stuff indeed.

We’ll do our own version of Oprah by raising cutting issues such as:

“My client knows more than I do.” (sorry, a little close to the bone)

“I used tee-tree oil instead of KY and now my client’s going to have a Monpro.”

“Prospectuses gave my dog cancer.”

“I slipped copies of Financial Planning into the pile of magazines at the doctors and now I’ve been banned.”

And, my personal favourite: “Sicks munce ago I koodent spell fynanshul planna and now I ar wun.”

Ahh, it’s going to be a lot of fun.

And above all that’s what it will be about — fun. If you’re easily offended or think a tongue in a cheek is actually a large cyst, this is not the column for you. Try the unit prices page.

Don’t you think it would be a great idea to have a little Where’s Wally in amongst the unit price pages? It could be something different like Where did George Go.

But enough of this frivolity; down to work. In case some of you haven’t noticed, FPA elections are underway and those of you who are practitioners will have received a ballot paper for two board positions.

Ray “Tamworth” Griffin’s new top job means that his spot comes up and James “Wild West” Doogue is calling it a day - so we’re going to see two new faces.

Now I’ve got to declare an interest in this as a candidate and being a thoroughly decent chap, will not spend time extolling my virt^& *&*&#(*!@# (Cut all this crap — ed.)

What I do want to raise is the issue of apathy. Well I did, but I can’t be bothered! The fact is, we often hear people moaning about this and that and for the most part, they are usually spot on.

There is general agreement that the world’s not perfect and we all have an opinion. I like the way some express opinions. I have a German client who is extremely effective at handing out opinions; particularly to me. We know when Mr Z has arrived when he walks into reception and screams “I vunt to see Nick”.

“I’m sorry Mr Z, Mr Bruining is with a client at the moment.”

“I dunt give a Schitt — I see him when he is over.”

Now I don’t know about you, but one’s attention is somewhat distracted when 30 seconds later you hear “Iz he over yet, I got dogs in my car, can I bring zem in?”

Next, the door to the office opens a crack and this weather beaten, wrinkly old face with three remaining teeth appears, smiles to you and your potential client and says:

“Zorry Nick, I got no money, ze bastards have taken my money.”

When dealing with a new client, the sight of Mr Z peering through the door saying that someone has pinched his money is not conducive to securing a long-term relationship. Little did my potential client know that “Ze Bastards” were Centrelink, and the pinched money was a reduction in pension of $4 per fortnight — thanks to his allocated pension fund balance going up. You just can’t satisfy some people.

The point is, Mr Z was willing to let us know what was going through his mind.

The same can’t be said on FPA matters. With something like 6,000 eligible voters, it’s pretty amazing that less than one in three decided to fill in their ballot paper last year. Similarly, I often hear grumbles and complaints from planners at various functions who complain that the FPA doesn’t seem to listen. One of the most effective ways to have people who listen is to vote for them. Jeepers folks, the envelope’s even reply paid!

Small dealers love reply paid addresses, they jot them down for next time they have to send something via mail. The most effective use of a reply paid address I’ve come across was sending two old phone books wrapped up in brown paper to the IBIS people after they sent some letter explaining how planners were a waste of time. Airmail from Darwin no less - would have cost them a fortune.

Anyway, the important thing is to participate in this election. Financial planning is still a new profession finding its way and it needs the guidance of people who care about the future. Participate by casting a vote because it is your way of having a direct influence on the future direction of our profession and expressing your opinion. Everyone who has nominated is worthy, so take the time to read the booklet and send in a vote.

Enough of the heavy stuff. See you next time - I think we’ll take a closer look at fund manager service standards