Survivor: The industry’s 15 minutes of infamy

I was channel-surfing a couple of weeks ago and happened across the ABC. And there it was, one of my favourite programs, ‘Forc Orners’. I am still trying to work out what an Orner was but came to the rapid conclusion that in this case, I am an Orner and the program was directed at me.

The other thing that grabbed me was the tremendous value I was getting for my eight cents a day. Not only was I able to watch the Orners, I could also play a version of my favourite game, ‘Where’s Wally?’.

The rules of the game are simple. Basically, you sit on your couch with a piece of paper and as a familiar face appears on the screen, scribble it down, shouting out, “there’s a Wally!” The person with the most names at the end of the show wins.

I hit the jackpot when the footage from last year’sFinancial Planning Association(FPA) convention in Sydney appeared. The old pen was going flat out as the familiar faces floated across the screen.

I frantically scanned the screen but there were no close ups of one particular (and may I add, very good looking) planner from the West. I guess that wearing my ‘Chris Masters Sux’ T-shirt coupled with myTodayTonightbaseball cap did the trick.

Others had not prepared so well. There was a bloke picking his nose, and another bloke who was supposed to be in Melbourne visiting his mother accompanied by a girl wearing a ‘Weapon of Mass Seduction’ dress.

The program moved on and it was then we saw most of the usual suspects.

We saw Kenny ‘it could be worse’ Breakspear, Nick ‘there’s a vote here and give me another’ Sherry and, of course, Louise ‘I’d like a Felsy’ Sylvan. But, as a student of television I can tell you, it’s the editing that makes the show.

Just as Wacko Jacko released his ‘the footage you never saw’ special recently, here’s a few grabs from ‘the footage you never saw’ on the Orners program.

Forc Orners (FO) Version: “Betty from Balmoral went to see a planner about her roll-over …”

Money ManagementRevealed (MMR): “Betty from Balmoral went to see a planner about her roll-over of $8.32.”

FO: “… said I should get onto Amway.”

MMR: “... said I should get onto Amway. Sorry, I mean Amtrack — and lie on it.”

FO:“I mean, who can I turn to for help?”

MMR “... I mean, who can I turn to for help, singing the Ave Maria nude on the Harbour Bridge at four in the afternoon ?”

In the original footage, the FPA has Chris Cuffe off-camera in a little surgical mask handing out Challenger PDSs to all the children.

“One day, they’ll all be needing a fund manager — just as I did.” (Incidentally, what's the bet the Challenger board have had a quick squint at that contract again — just to be sure?)

Now it seems to me that what was needed was a handy PR operative to put a good spin on things and who better than the spin kings of the king spinners — Warney’s PR people.

Let’s consider some of the things that were reported and how they might have been handled in the hands of a master.

Client from India not receiving adequate advice? Simple. You thought they were merely after a forecast on the economic weather, pitched in a way the client would understand and while you got paid $4,000 for the report, it was fair and reasonable.

Clients given incorrect advice? Even easier — your mum gave you a vitamin pill in the morning to make you look good in front of your clients and it messed with your head instead of making you look smarter. Jeepers, nothing can help you look smarter. If you cop a 12-month banning order, tell everyone you’re devastated and that you’ve never read a financial plan anyway.

There’s also a rumour going around that in the press conference following the release of the Australian Consumers’ Association/Australian Securities and Investments Commissionreport, Ken Breakspear, after seeing one of the sample plans was heard to mutter: “He can’t plan and didn’t disclose.”

This seems like a perfect opportunity to get Joe Nowak and all the fun guys from theAssociation of Financial Advisers(AFA) to come along and help out their FPA cousins. Big Joe could front up onA CurrentAffairand Ray Martin could ask “Joe, what do you have to say?”

Joe: “Well Ray, it was my voice that was picked up on the microphone, not Ken’s, and what I said was: He can’t plan and shouldn’t disclose.”

Me, I’m turning on the pay TV. Whaddya know, my next favourite show, “The Real Estate Program” — now there's quality advice.