Hit the books and make a quick buck

Ah winter. There’s something about sitting in front of a log fire, sipping a tax effective red that’s finally been made palatable by throwing in some apples, cinnamon, lemons, sugar and boiling the whole lot for 20 minutes. Come to think of it, it’s probably worth getting a product ruling on the stuff.

Every now and again, you throw an expired prospectus on the fire, the thing flares up and spews out a few noxious gases. Takes you back to the smells of the old Code of Practice exams when those around you realised that maybe they should have attended the seminar after all.

This is the time of year to grab a good book, relax and become inspired. Now, some of you may well be thinking impure thoughts at this stage.

The type of book we’re talking about doesn’t require us to open it to the middle for the best bits. Nor is it filled with phone numbers starting with 1900. These are the books that get you thinking deep and meaningful thoughts, looking wistfully into the flickering flames thinking to yourself “what an idiot”. These are the books written by other planners.

I don’t know about you, but when you’re given one of these things by a well-meaning friend at Christmas, you kind of think “Hello, who needs the book here? After all, I taught this bugger everything he knows.”

The first thing you notice when you get one of these books are the photos on the cover. You can’t help but wonder if the author has an illegitimate child that’s a dead ringer. The photo invariably looks something like the author, it’s just 20 years too young. Maybe we’re talking commercial quantities of spak-filla to cover the wrinkles but by golly, it’s effective.

The next thing you notice is the silly, smirk look on the face. It’s kind of like the look you give when you’re caught at four in the morning, tip toeing into the house with a rose in one hand, a beer in the other and a garter around the neck. Eyebrows up near the ceiling with a face that says “Me? Me? I’m in a good mood, why aren’t you?”

Sometimes the folks in the photo will have a prop, like money. Not theirs mind you, probably borrowed from the photographer and unlikely to be returned. Usually they’re not standing straight up, but are either leaning back, forwards, sideways or generally look as though they may have come from a very long lunch a bit tired and emotional.

Having digested the photo, you then look to the back of the book to see the reviews. Now, publishers are very careful about these reviews. They usually select the very best they can find and then grab teasers to stick on the book. The best books will have stuff like:

“This book will save you thousands” — The Muckinbudin Express, “A valuable tool” —Proctologist Weekly,“Strategies you should know about” —Tax Auditor’s Monthly Digestand “Available by Mail” —TheAustralian FinancialReview.

The table of contents is almost always the same. It will include useful topics such as how to budget, how tax works, investment fundamentals and seeking expert advice.

Now here’s an idea for someone. What about a book that contains the stuff people really want to know.

For starters, you would have a forward by Bondy. This is a good strategy because after doing it, he probably won’t remember he did it. It always amazed me that the part of the brain that remembered who owed him money never seemed to falter.

Some of the chapters could include:

n Two faces have I — obtaining multiple Ids;

n Brick Balloons — how to float anything;

n Cut-away sections of popular ATMs;

n The Visa Deck Challenge — obtaining 52 cards from 52 different issuers;

n Centrelink Loopholes explained;

n Living on $100 a day in countries without an extradition treaty;

n Quadruple Swaps with a preferential equity endowment warrant — how to design your own using Microsoft Excel;

n Effective tripping techniques - self-inflicted soft tissue damage for beginners.

The secret of success of a popular book seems to be based on having someone reasonably well-known as an author and having a title which you kind of associate with them. The important thing is, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their chosen occupation in life, for example, Rex Hunt’s Fishing Adventures.

I think it’s high time a few of the better-known faces around this industry got onto the bandwagon.

Here’s a few ideas for starters:

n Thar She Blows — by Yours Truly (and just to show that I’m not sensitive to these things);

n Blondes have more fun — by Brian Thomas;

n The private life of an Echidna — by John Hewison;

n How to drive a dump truck — by Tom Collins;

n Plugging leaks in your pool — by Terry Power;

n Using your redundancy payment — by John Spence;

n Making friends — by Michael Carmody.

Come to think of it, this publishing stuff’s got some potential. Magazine spin off, Web-site, franchising … I wonder if we could get a product ruling before June 30?