From the Frontline 31/08 – Blood, sweat and fears of the ‘thingys with the ringys’

Forget the swimming, forget the marathon - the Year 2000 Sydney Olympic Games provide the perfect opportunity to put our nation’s greatest planners through their paces, as Nick Bruining reports.

This month I've decided that I won't whinge, I'm going to burst into song. There's no point in whinging any more because as in the past 12 months I've written for MM, nothing's changed.

The Poxy messages on hold are still the same, the bloody Master Trusts still take two years to redeem units and Mr. Z still has his dogs who occasionally visit me (He still has his dental problems too) and Centrelink still pinch his money.

No punters, this month I'm going to talk about the greatest thing that's ever happened to Australia. The "Let's exploit the poor buggers who train their bums off and then we'll trip around the world selling the TV rights" Games. You know, the "Thingys with the Ringys.

I also warn you that I've had a bad week and I may descend into new depths of crudeness. If you're easily offended, become an accountant and leave Bazza.

Now it seems to me that some of the competition at these games seems a little biased towards those who might have a distinct advantage. It's a little bit like the Yank's "World Series" in baseball. "World Series" ! America versus Japan. Big competition that, you don't even have to call on even Hanse Cronje's expertise to get decent odds on that particular flutter.

Some sports seem a tad bizarre.

Hurling. Now there's a sport we see every Saturday afternoon on the telly. I must confess, when I first heard about hurling, I had it confused with an activity that some of the less desirable in our community participate in later on a Saturday night. Hurking.

I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to turn that into an Olympic Sport. I guess that's what happens when you're young and impressionable.

We Aussies do all right in a few areas. Take swimming. The rest of the world is convinced we need to do it to escape the bloody sharks. Pistol shooting we do okay in - got to be able to fend off the man-eating kangaroos that stalk us in the night.

Could explain why the Nigerians are so good at running. Bloody big pussy cats over there, they probably need a double dose of Budgie Pee to slow them up.

Chess. To quote a now defunct Red Head "Pleeez ekshplain"?

How can chess be a sport ? How do your train for chess ? Knight to Kings Bishop 3, Knight to Kings Bishop 3 hup hup hup.

Do they check for performance enhancing drugs fish - oil on the weeties (to zap up the brain cells) ? How do they measure PB's ? Number of pawns taken in a ten minute run ?

Fencing. Why don't they make it more realistic and have a race to see how many sheets of Super 6 you can put up in ten minutes ? We could have wind influenced times where the wind keeps blowing the sheets over.

I reckon its time we began to look into a few specialised events for financial planners out there.

We too might get to march in the parade, get to run in the AMP Ringy Thingy Flame dressed in a white and blue outfit. (could we make it the Ringy Thingy Blue Flame Relay?). Ed - too much information, delete the bit about how the flame might be passed on between runners.

So here's a few obvious suggestions.

Prospectus Pressups - for BDMs. See how many opposition prospectuses you can throw at a BDM without him falling over.

The Norwich Menu Phone Challenge. A little like one of those memory things.

You have to remember the phone buttons to press to speak to a human. One wrong button and you're transferred to the top of the menu queue.

AXA Discus Throw. Get the illustration CD Rom up-grades and see how many you can throw simultaneously at your computer supplier without him sending you an account. (Tough one this).

Client Javelin Throw. Almost identical to the normal Olympic version. The difference is that you have your most annoying client as the actual target. Should see a few world records tumble over.

The MLC New Business Challenge. Lodge funds with MLC and see if you can get the business to complete inside a month. Not dissimilar to the Asgard withdrawal challenge, same thing - but in reverse.

Finally, the marathon of the planning world. The "Who's Taking Who Over Now?". You have to be able to recall the ownership history of organisations like Capita, First State and GIO without referring to notes. You get extra marks if you can guess who'll own them next.

I've even thought of a rousing theme song we can all sing together at the next FPA conference or at the Ringy Thingy opening ceremony.

Sing this out loud in the office to the tune of "I Still Call Australia Home" (with apologies to Peter Allen, but none to Qantas who keep putting me in the seat with the buggered head set).

I've seen the Nat Mut turn into an AXE

AMP knives in big George's Back

But no matter who's BT or where's First State's Home

I still can't get through on the Phone

I always wondering what BDMs do.

The Bloke from Advance now works for who ?

I've seen The Which Bank buy That Bank and crap

Same stuff from Sealcorp but, they call it Wrap.

But no matter if Mercy Mut's ads make you groan

You still can't get through on the phone.

I'm always looking for brollies for free.

Red wine and good scotch and lunches for me.

Some times the BDMs seem some what muffed.

If there's no goodies with them, well they can get stuffed.

But no matter what new product I'm being shown

I still can't get through on the phone.

Lahdee lahdeee La la la la la la laaaaah.

I'm inspired now. Got to go, I've just had a call from a lawyer, seems the Budweiser people aren't too happy with a recent "From the Front line".