Ali Baba and the 40 computer thieves

I think it is time someone spilled the beans on computers and described exactly what goes on.

Firstly, we should establish the fact that there are basically two types of people in this world, apart from women and men. There are those who are fully computer literate, able to grasp software and new technology by the proverbials and there are those who are, let’s face it, morons. These are the majority.

I think it is time someone spilled the beans on computers and described exactly what goes on.

Firstly, we should establish the fact that there are basically two types of people in this world, apart from women and men. There are those who are fully computer literate, able to grasp software and new technology by the proverbials and there are those who are, let’s face it, morons. These are the majority.

These folk were lucky to have made it past the single cell amoeba stage in the evolutionary chain. These are the people who need to be reminded that objects in the mirror may be further away than they appear. They also probably read the operating instructions on toothpaste tubes. Their shoes had a little “l” and “r” imbedded in the sole when they are kids and some still use them as adults.

These are the people we can rip off. So reads lesson one of “How to be a computer expert”.

It all started last year when I heard about the millennium bug. I had a call from a telemarkerter who asked me if I had checked my gear for Y2K compliancy.

“Why to where?”

She then went prattling on in some kind of new language, which I will define later, and asked me all sorts of questions finishing off with: “For $50.00 I’ll send you a floppy to check your hard drive”.

Floppy, hard, credit card?

Now I might be West Australian and yeah, we’re the only state who decided to fill our local river with green engine coolant for artistic effect, but I know phone sex when I hear it.

No, you’re not going to get my credit card and I don’t want to see your floppy and you can leave my hard disk alone.

But she had me worried. When I answered no to her question about Y2K, I heard this gasp of horror. Kind of like one you’d expect to hear when Elvis re-appears and the master trust MERs go up to 5 per cent.

So I ducked down to Ali Baba’s computer emporium. Ali Baba, you might recall, had something to do with 40 thieves, all of who now work in his computer emporium. Some time later I emerged minus a finger, I shook hands with one of the staff, but the proud owner of Y2K checker software.

“Just follow the instructions on the screen”

At this point in time, it’s worth me explaining some of the terms you may come across with computers.

Computer: The box that eats cash. You put in $5,000 at the beginning of the year and discover it’s worth $83.00 at the end of the year because seven other new ones have come out in the 12 month period since you bought yours.

Floppy Disk: A black thing which is hard. It can be cheap or expensive. The cheap ones, about $1.00, have no stickers on them. The expensive ones, up to $500, already have a sticker on and come in a coloured box. Try and buy the ones without stickers on and put them on yourselves, it will save you a fortune.

Hard Disk: Buggered if I know. It can’t be too hard because sometimes it crashes.

Software: Slippers, pyjamas, undies, that kind of stuff.

Hardware: Shoes, armour, helmets etc.

Byte: What computers do to your bum.

Megabyte: Big version of a byte.

Gigabyte: Funny version of the above.

Internet: What happens to a fish when it is caught.

Email: Washing machine manufacturer.

Whilst not exhaustive, the above glossary will make you as knowledgeable about computers as I am.

I stuck the floppy into the slot and clicked the mouse thing and lo and behold, sure enough, my computer whirred into life. It flashed, it turned itself off and on, I had to put a blank floppy in. (As I didn’t have a blank disk ready, I peeled the sticker off a disk called Windows 98 Start Up and made it blank that way). After a few minutes, it came back with a little message, click for report. I did and then my world fell apart.

There, on the now red flashing screen it was: “error, error, non compliant, failed test, failed test”. Yipes.

Now I should have sussed it out then and in hindsight, Ali’s smiling face on the screen with the report should have been a dead give-away. The report suggested that I should upgrade the computer, get patches for my software (band-aids on the floppies?) and that Ali Barbar’s Computer Emporium could help. Der.

So down I went with the floppy thing to Ali’s. He put it into his machine and loaded it up. After much “tsk tsk”, “phoor” and “jeez” he announced that to fix the problem, I would need a new “mother board”, software and since my hard disk was getting full (how can he tell, I can’t even see the damned thing) I might as well upgrade that.

“Hey Nick, why not buy a new computer instead?” says Ali.

So, here we have it. I buy a floppy that I take home, stick in my machine and wait. Ali’s face appears alongside a report that says my entire computer system is basically stuffed after January 1 and Ali can fix it for $2,000. I smell a rat and decide to ask my sister-in-law for advice. She knows how to change the power setting on a microwave and has therefore become the family’s technology expert.

It wasn’t always that way. When she started work, she was responsible for doing back-ups onto floppies every week and making sure they were safely put away — just in case. Sure enough, one day the system dies and after shelling out hundreds to get the thing fixed, they turn to the back-ups to restore the system. Tragically, no go. It seems that the floppies were kept safe, stuck to a stationery cupboard door with fridge magnets.

Anyway, her new boss sent her to computer school where she learned all about computers and microwaves.

I tell her my tale of woe and she assures me that it is a big problem and they too have had to upgrade.

So, convinced my world will fall apart if I don’t, I lashed out and did the upgrades. A few days later, my new box arrives and we plug it in. Now, I expected the thing to come up with a message that said “I’m Y2K compliant nah nah, nah nah nah” but I got nothing.

In fact, everything looked awfully the same.

We got on with things and sailed through the new millennium without a hitch. I even thought about sending Ali’s name to the Vatican for possible cannonisation as the miracle worker of Perth. Perhaps he turned the Swan River into engine coolant?

Last week though, I came across the Y2K checker. For a laugh, I plugged it in and gave it a go. Screens flashed, insert disks, whirring noises, click for report …

Ali’s bloody face again, “error, failed test, non compliant”. What the …?